I so often hear the saying “music saved my life,” but I was just reminded of how true that is. Not so much in the literal “saved me from death” kind of sense, but in a very real way, I believe that music, on more than one occasion, has saved my soul. There is just no way that I would have survived the trials of this life, and still be the person that I am, without the influence that music has had.
Granted, there are certainly many who have suffered much, much worse than I. Death, addiction, abuse, pain and loss that I can’t begin to comprehend, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel tried just the same. Particularly by liars. Now perhaps in my nature, I trust too easily, some might even say I care too much, qualities that make it hurt that much more when that trust is broken. Last night I discovered (trouble with the online world, there are no secrets) that this person who I thought I was close to has been hiding things from me and outright lying to me for a very long time. Long enough to make me wonder if I can trust anything from her. And I was furious. That combined with memories of old ex-girlfriends being dredged up, more lies, pain, confusion, was almost enough to push me into a very dark place. Almost. It would be so easy to hate, to let all that anger and frustration consume me, and I very nearly did, had my finger on the button. But then I heard a new song. A song that has nothing to do with anything, but the music itself, dark, angry, violent, soothed me, brought me back. I was reminded that I’ve seen what can happen when your emotions control you, and remembered a promise I made to myself long ago to never allow that to be me. And so it’s passed. It’s not worth my time. She is not worth my time. And I will focus on the things and people that are.
All of this makes me think of another song. A song about taking all the negative shit you’re fed and using it as fuel to make yourself a better person. A “thank you” note to the people that provide that fuel.
I never noticed, until I focused
On everything you did, you said
You lit the fuse inside my head!
Thank you for reminding me of why I am sick inside
Thank you for the venom, did you think it would paralyze?
These scars, I scratch, I tear, are there
Under my skin, where you’ve always been
Thank you for reminding me to sin with a grin