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What do you want to do with your life?

I’d file that under questions I’ll be perfectly fine if no one ever asks me again.  Because the truth is I have never been able to answer that question.  Or anything like it.  What would I do if I had a million dollars?  Where do I see myself in 5 years?  10?  I barely know what I’m doing this weekend, thinking that far in advance?  Completely incomprehensible to me.

“Not only do I not know the answer… I don’t even know what the question is.”

I’m not sure which is scarier, the fact that after nearly 25 years of life I couldn’t even begin to answer a question like that, or the fact that I’ve barely ever even thought about it.  I absolutely love playing music, more than anything else I’ve ever done, but could I really make that my life?  Playing and traveling to different places would be great fun, and exciting, but there’s another side to the touring musician’s life.  The time away from friends and loved ones, the constant whirlwind of the touring life, and I really don’t know if I could deal with that, or if I’d want to.  I went to college for computer science because I took a C++ class in high school and thought, this stuff ain’t so bad, I could do this.  But what do I want to do with it?  I don’t know.  Technically I’ve been working in this field for just over 5 years now, and in that time I feel like I haven’t really gone anywhere.  I’ve learned much, I’ve gained more responsibilities, I’ve changed jobs, worked on different tasks, but my role is still pretty much the same, and my goals and aspirations are still pretty much the same, a blank slate.  It’s not a question of skill, because I know that I have the ability to learn anything.  The problem is that I have no idea what I’d want to learn.  It’s like picking a restaurant, or a movie to watch, or a game to play, I’m absolutely horrible at making decisions like that, because I feel like I could pick anything and be happy with it.  And that same thought applies to my work.  I feel like I could choose anything, I could pick a path completely at random, and no matter which way I go, the end result would be the same.  I’d find a job that I could enjoy.  Some people feel trapped in dead-end jobs that they hate, but really I’m just the opposite.  I have too many choices, and none of which that really stand out above the others.  I feel like I am so overly adaptable that it’s impossible for me to latch on to any one thing.  I feel this massive pressure to choose something, but I don’t even know where to begin.

“In a world of black and white, you are the only one in color.”

That’s not entirely accurate.  My world is such an array of colors, that very, very little stands out.  There are a couple things, and people, that shine brighter than the rest, and I’m grateful for them, but for the rest?  It’s like trying to pick your favorite star, when each one is just as bright as the other.

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